TF2 Newbs (Team Fortress 2) Blog

It’s been a while since part 1 of this series was posted. And yet, we’ve all survived. Somehow.

Melodrama aside, let’s talk about some more of the stuff we silly Newbs say, so that strangers will have an idea what we’re going on about. We’re happy, you’re happy, everybody’s happy. Especially happy engie.

Man that guy’s happy.

So, I forget what we covered last time, but that’s in the past, so it matters less than the future. Unless you’re a historian, in which case you already know what we covered last time. You can write an essay about it. You have all semester, it’s worth 10% of your final grade, and you can have unlimited deadline extensions. But you won’t write it, will you?

This bitter flashback to history majors I knew in university is completely unrelated to our first Newb-centric term.

A Crab Battle is, quite simply, a melee fight. It works best if you’re in a sewer or tunnel, but really, if people are fighting with fists and axes and shovels, it’s a crab battle. This one was popularized by our good friend of many names, Grey Devil/Crab/Comrade Crab/Bag’o'Crabs/Got Crabs/King Crab/you get the point. It’s loosely based on this video.

Just a note, it’s considered very rude to interrupt a crab battle, so if you shoot a melee fight you’ll likely get yelled at and/or called a baby. Such is life.

Following the melee theme, let’s talk about Uberwanking. This is what some people call “medic chaining” or some other boring term. This is, of course, that thing where two medics with ubersaws uber and melee non-stop. I forget who came up with the term, but I know I did my part in popularizing it.

Anyway, uberwanking is pretty lame, and I’m glad it’s not done too much these days. Danke, dummkopf.

Speaking of medics, all aboard the Pain Train! Also called a Medic Train, or a Sewer Party. This one’s kind of out of date, since nobody really says it much anymore. Anyway, this was that happy occurrence where a medic would gather up a horde of willing accomplices, and go charging through the 2fort sewers intent on busting some heads. This one is all Dingo.

The proper response to a call of “all aboard the medic train” is, of course, “Woo woo”.

This last one only really happens when the admins are the only ones on the server, and are bored. Or waiting for people. Or other situations, I guess. Anyway, Skybox Shenanigans happen when someone noclips into the skybox and starts building dispensers in the mini models.

Didn’t understand a single thing I just said? It’s okay, I am qualified to give you a quick lesson in TF2 map terminology. Aren’t you lucky?

Anyway, noclip is a standard fps concept. It basically lets you walk through walls. And floors. And ceilings.
The skybox is the area around the map. It’s generally a picture of the sky, and it surrounds the map so that no matter where you look, you see sky.
The mini models are a set of map objects that are generated outside of the map. These are small things that are embedded in the skybox, so that when you look outside the map, you see interesting stuff on the horizon. Due to ow they’re rendered, the mini models are shown in the skybox at a very large size, so they look normal. Stuff like the silos on 2fort or the train on gravelpit are mini models. Maybe the ship on granary too, but I’ve never checked it.

When you build things in the mini models, they are also shown at a much larger size, giving the illusion that there are enormous dispensers or teleporters off in the distance. It’s a hilarious visual effect, and not good for much else than goofing around, really.

I should have written this article a long time ago, since some of these terms are used a whole lot anymore, so if you give me suggestions now, I’ll get another installment out real quick-like. Promise.

This post was written while listening to this.
Good times.

The moon hangs low in the sky, casting a pallid sheen over the cobblestones below. The night fills with anticipation and dread. Tensions mounting, the survivors huddle together, waiting, preparing for their final fight.

Then they hear it. Footsteps crashing down the streets. The lumbering horde appears, and rushes toward the last hope for humanity, fists and bats flailing.

A shimmering crimson streak leaps forward into a fiery explosion, reducing the horde to a bloody pile of assorted pieces. A victory cry rings through the empty streets,
“MAGGOTS!”

More than an excuse to write TF2-themed zombie fanfic, this post actually has a point. Wow! I feel it fair to warn you that there is awesomeness below.

Every Friday night, from 10 PM EST (7 PST) until midnight (9 PST), on server #6, we are having Zombie Fortress. Oh yes.

If you have a bad memory, join Jigen’s Custom Crew, and you’ll get a reminder before it begins. You’ll also get the fast track on map playtests and other nifty stuff, so join the group and be awesome.

Back to business. If you haven’t played Zombie Fortress before, this is a really fun TF2 mod that pits the zombie BLU team (consisting of melee-only scouts, heavies, and spies) against the survivor RED team (consisting of everybody else with modified weapons). When a survivor dies, he becomes a zombie. When a zombie dies, he respawns. When all the survivors die, the zombies win. When time runs out, the survivors win. Easy as that.

I don’t remember all the special rules that apply to the classes, but they’re all explained when you spawn. I know demos get health for bottle kills, and I know sentries don’t supply ammo or metal (they’re more of a barrier than anything). I think snipers get ammo for headshots too, but again, I’m not sure. You should join and play as each class to help me learn. I think that’s a wonderful idea.

We have a set of maps intended for Zombie play. These don’t have capture points or intel (but we can play on regular CP and CTF maps too), so the only way to win is to kill everyone, or not get killed at all, depending on what team you’re on.

These maps are, in no particular order:
Zombie Dustbowl – Exactly what it sounds like. It’s Dustbowl, tweaked for maximum zombie effectiveness. This seems to consist mostly of turning the lights down and making things spooky. Works for me! Oh, and all 6 points are in one main area, not split up into three stages. And they take longer to cap. And zombies spawn all around them.

Twilight – No wussy vampires here, only zombies and big guns. And some trucks. And a hole in the floor that will kill you if you walk in it. Anyway, this is a pretty small zombie map, but it’s a lot of fun. Multiple routes through the buildings, and a great place for the survivors to toss up a bottleneck and spam to their hearts’ content.

Just a note, there’s a gap in this map that can allow a survivor to get into the little forest behind the fence, and thus be very hard for the zombies to reach. Fair warning: If you jump off into the trees, you will most likely be kicked. Keep it fair, everybody.

Asylum – A zombie outbreak in an insane asylum. Oh man, that’s a bad combo. Includes destructible environments and a bell that lets the zombies spawn in the basement if they manage to ring it. Good luck, survivors. You might need it.

Panic – No link for this one since FPSBanana seems to have lost it. Anyway, this one’s set in what looks like some sort of hotel or lodge. I can’t really tell which. More destructible environments, moveable map objects that you can make barricades out of, and some pretty cool breakable windows. Smashy-smashy!

We might be playing some other maps, but those are the big 4. Jigen is hard at work testing any new maps that come out, and your participation can help influence which maps we use in future events. We have a forum thread for Zombie Fortress discussions (Which you can find here), so come on by, give us feedback, discuss how much fun it was, and so on and so forth.

If you were there for last week’s zombie killing, we have removed Lake because it was broken, and next time we won’t turn Alltalk on. So if you’re alone on the Survivor team, you are really alone. So very, very alone. And tasty-looking.

Remember, that’s Friday, 10PM Eastern, server #6!

See you there!

So there you are, playing a game on this fancy “Newbs” server. You’re doing your thing, launching crit rockets into people’s faces, when you hear “Fatty in the sink room!” on the voice chat. Confused, you stop to ask what that’s supposed to mean, and get destroyed by a spy (he never really was on your side, don’t you know?).

Has this ever happened to you? Well now it doesn’t have to!

Rather than hang out with us and slowly learn what all the weird things we say mean, here’s a handy guide. We’ll have you talking about sink rooms and hairdryers in no time!

The first term we’ll cover has already been used a few times in this post, and if you play enough 2fort with the Newbs, you’ll hear it about 400 times per match.

The Sink Room is the area of the map right outside the courtyard.

The origin of this term has been lost in the sands of time (although I think the illustrious Koans R Us came up with it). So named for the sink that resides beside the doorway in the blue base, this room is the home of many epic battles. Most offensive pushes end here, ravaged by flames. Many briefcases are dropped here, ravaged by flames. Many pyros have died in this room, not on fire, but if pyros burned I’m sure they’d be ravaged by flames as well.

Fun fact: the red sink room doesn’t actually contain a sink. It does, however, contain a wagon wheel. Don’t go near the wagon wheel.

The next term we’ll cover isn’t native to Newbs, but we do use it a lot. Plus it segues into the next term nicely. So there.

A Fatty is a heavy weapons guy (and this is his weapon. It weighs 150 kilograms and fires 200 dollar custom-tooled cartirdges at 10,000 rounds per minute. It costs $400,00 dollars to fire this weapon for 12 seconds.) Sorry, lost my train of thought there. So yeah, fatty. Of “Eat it fatty!” fame.

The next term, however, is pure Newb.

A Hairdryer is sometimes better known as Natascha, the heavy’s unlockable minigun. So named for it’s high-pitched spinning sound. This term was the result of a conversation between myself, Dingo, and Hal Jordan. One of them contested that it sounded like an air conditioner, to which I replied it was more like a hairdryer. History was made.

Combining the last two, you get a Hairdryer Fatty, which is generally ineffective unless Hal’s the fatty. In which case you’re best off crying in the corner.

Moving on, we get another term that I’m not sure had its origin here, but you’re likely to hear it.

Saying “I’m faster” implies that you, not the scout, are the faster of the classes. This naturally makes you the ideal candidate to carry the intelligence. This phrase is often uttered by fatties, but also sometimes from soldiers or possibly pyros. I’m pretty sure Ggglygy was the one to popularize this, despite the fact he actually plays scout, and therefore really is faster.

A fatty who is faster can sometimes lead to a Fatty Cap, in which the intel is captured by a heavy. This is remarkable because, as the man himself will sometimes say, “Not usually my job”. I’m not sure who came up with this one, or if it’s even a Newbs native, but I know I’ve done my share of fatty capping. It’s the second most embarrassing thing in the game, right after getting sniped by a sniper who’s holding your intelligence.

There’s a subtlety to the fatty cap that bears explaining. If the fatty picks up the intel in his own base, there’s not much special about that. There’s not much danger to getting the cap, and if the fatty didn’t do it, somebody else would. No, to get the full effect of the fatty cap, you have to start from at least the enemy’s side of the bridge. Ideally, you start from the intel room, carry it the entire way, and cap while the enemy wonders how you’re evading their assault with your enormous bulk and snail-like run speed. Then you laugh, as you tear them asunder with crit punches, for you are heavy weapons guy, and THIS IS YOUR WEAPON!

Sorry, got carried away there.

Wrapping this up, we as Newbs have a rich lexicon, which can’t be encapsulated in one post. Therefore, you can probably expect more entries in the “How to talk like a newb” series.

Until then, this is Scott Eats Bullets saying “Pow! Ha ha!”

Honorz time.

The MiC Spam vote.
Nominated: Aristotle, OSS Steven, ggglygy, Jib, OSS Andy

OSS Andy – The classic griefer. The kind of guy who made valve put in a mute function. Random screams, battle cries, derrogatory statements. Utter Balligerance. Earning a good deal of bans from running his mic. (get it?) Andy, spams the only way he knows how. In your ear.

Congrats to andy to winning this by a landslide. You’ve really out done yourself

————————————————————————————————–

Honorz.

Take one for the team.
Nominated: Grey Devil, Golden Marmoset, Octo-Dhd, Viva Gabe, Darthvegan, Crater Face

Golden Marmoset: PyrO? A MadMAN. I have personally witnessed Golden Marmoset keep an intel alive for several minutes all by himself. Comes in guns blazing and does his best to keep the momentum going in his team’s favor. Let I remind you, Pre Update, only REAL team players played Pyro..

Octo-dhd: This man eats and sleeps team play. A true support class player. I have yet to see a more dedicated Engy. His sg’s up before the scout rush. No quick caps this game fellas. No stickies on spawn or hackers on his watch. If the intels alive, he’s there. Spy, Scout, Medic. Whatever the team needs to keep the intel alive. A visionary.

It was a close race, but octo and golden pulled out a much deserved win.

congrats to the winners. More to come.